The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
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Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
yes… yes…
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.