Important reminders
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Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
I triple waxed for this?
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.