[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
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When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.