I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
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3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Sorry. Not sorry
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.