ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
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How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta