My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
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The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?