[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
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Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
*Seductively hides in the woods
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship