You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
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Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]