[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
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*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
#MeanwhileinCanada
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago