FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
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Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
*frowns in Scottish*
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
tourist season
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Damn he played himself