Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
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Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life