I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
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I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Damn what did I do next
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl