i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
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people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
All is fair in drunk and war.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.