“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
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[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.