my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
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I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY: