I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
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[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Thank you corporation very cool