The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
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The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.