My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
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You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
I don’t get marriage
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle