Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
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swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”