Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
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The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom