Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
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How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
all bases covered
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
There is no “ea” in Tim.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.