My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
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Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse