BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
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I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.