I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
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Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
uh oh
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”