If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
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Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
screw you
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
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Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.