“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
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My five year plan is a meteorite
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Trumpy Cat
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Thursday
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”