In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
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Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
IT’S-A ME,
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale