Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
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Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok