Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
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I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.