This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
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This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
6. me as a lawyer
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is