Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
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i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.