*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
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omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
If I ignore life will it go away?
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”