If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
You Might Also Like
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.