{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
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Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.