My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
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Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
i love modern commerce
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.