Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
You Might Also Like
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Bed should get ready for ME
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!