the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
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Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Möther may I have a snäck
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.