If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
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I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.