Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
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Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.