You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
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3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.