Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
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My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me