The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
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*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Dammit Chief not again
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.