only 11 steps left
You Might Also Like
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Selfie
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*