It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
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choose your gary
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist