My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
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So many pants.
So little yoga.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I just love that new Pope smell.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them