We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
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Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money