Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
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Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.