We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
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People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
having children is a pyramid scheme.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!