a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
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I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
79.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.