It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
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“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.